This is your captain speaking, AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house. I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. One day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times.” – Milton Jones “My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements. “We don’t serve your type!” shouts the barman. Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. Especially if you’ve got hay fever.” – Milton Jones “ The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job. “Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge?” – Dan Antolpolski (Photo: BBC) “You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.” – Milton Jones My friend says to me: “What rhymes with orange?” I said: “No it doesn’t!” One said: ‘Oo, oo, aah.’ The other replied:‘Put some cold in then.” – Harry Hill
FUNNY SHORT PHRASES THAT RHYME FULL
I hate Russian dolls… so full of themselves! “Recently I went on a ballooning holiday – I put on four stone!” – Milton Jones It never really took off.” – Milton Jones “My grandfather invented the cold air balloon. I thought, ‘that’s Abba-riginal.'” – Tim Vine “I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.” – Peter Kay “A cement mixer collided with a prison van. That is wrong on so many different levels.” – Tim Vine Why do we tell actors to ‘break a leg?’ Because every play has a cast. So we stopped playing chess.” – Matt Kirshen “I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. He said “Thanks!” I said “Don’t mention it.” I bought my friend an elephant for his room. It’s all right for 10 minutes, then you start to feel sick.” – Andrew Lawrence
“Looking at my face is like reading in the car. “Toughest job I ever had? Selling doors, door-to-door.” – Bill BaileyĪ soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. I told my friend 10 jokes to get him to laugh. They left a little note, it said ‘Parking Fine.’” – Tim Vine (Photo: Shutterstock) “Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. He said, ‘I want you to trace someone for me.'” – Tim Vine “This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. “This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?'” – Tim Vine Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.” – Ken Dodd I thought: ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.'” – Tim Vine I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was. “I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.” – Tommy Cooper I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. “I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper – dicing with death.” – Tim Vine I was involved in very organised crime.” – Milton Jones “Years ago I used to supply Filofaxes for the mafia. “The best time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.” – Demetri Martin The first one is on the house.” – Tim VineĪs a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. “I’d like to start with the chimney jokes – I’ve got a stack of them.
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